my baby is growing up...

my baby is growing up…

these words ignite such a mixed bag of emotions in my soul as i reflect on the last two years of her life our lives since that precious, glorious moment she made her debut on December 17^th, 2012.

it feels like yesterday….

the angels surrounded our delivery room and continued to well after she arrived, making their presence felt. not one but two nurses who had tended to Hannah’s delivery and our recovery had said they couldn't help but feel such a strong and uplifting “energy” and  “light” as each described the very moment they stepped foot in the room.

i suppose i could end this blog post right here as it is the perfect description of what Hannah has brought to our lives since the moment she arrived—beautiful light and energy. so much of it. since day one i’ve been saying it and i’ll keep on saying it. she is my little ‘old soul’.

she has a depth that can be seen and felt through her eyes. she possesses a quiet, unattached contentment with life and those around her as she is constantly observing others and taking in the world. then as soon as she warms up, her inner-silly is released and she becomes this vibrant and playful little doll. she is incredibly intelligent and  full of life.

she also has such a unique and special story. a story many of you know already. a story i never get tired of telling and in light of this special day, i will tell again. for several months before i had found out we were pregnant with her, i had been telling David i knew that we would have a little girl soon and her name was Hannah.

considering the fact that this name was not a name we had ever considered in our ‘baby names game’, in fact we had been most confident in the name ‘Sienna’, ‘Hannah Rose’ was nonetheless and without a doubt her name; our ‘Grace of God’ and our ‘Giver of Love’. i can remember the night she spoke to me. the night we had decided we would start trying for a baby. the night i prayed for patience and confidence that God would give us a child…

“my name is Hannah, i chose you.” out of thin air--her voice.

it wouldn’t have been audible to my sleeping husband or anyone else for that matter, but i heard it and knew in that moment that God had answered my prayer for ‘confidence’ in conceiving. not to mention that a gifted, Christian Seer named Fran, whom i have yet to meet (she is the grandmother to my half-sister) called up my mom shortly after this occurrence to ask her if i was pregnant because she saw a soul hovering over me. she nor my mother could’ve possibly known at that point that Hannah had spoken to me. i can remember like yesterday my mom asking if i was pregnant after telling me what Fran saw. my body was covered in head-to-toe chills. it was then that i learned from mom and “according to Fran” “when a child chooses their mother, their soul is often seen hovering over her.”

i will pause here and interject for a moment to say that at this point in time this rocked my world and as a result, led me to an even more beautiful, expanded faith on the unknown and the process of ‘free will’ in the grander  grandest scheme of things. that a soul should “choose” to be born in the first place, much less have the choice in whom their parents would be. of course this only expanded my awe of God and His selfless Love for His Creation; His Children.

and then i  coincidentally serendipitously stumbled upon a poem one day, written by a woman named Faith E. Pilato:

‘they say the child chooses the parent before they are conceived.

God gave me lists of mother’s names and pictures of them too.

i looked and looked, they all looked the same; and then i saw you.

“who is this woman?” i asked the Lord; she looks quite nice to me.

“You have chosen well My Child”

and He spoke these words to me…

She is kind and gentle and very wise and she will hold you close to her when you cry.

Her eyes will shine when you take your first step and smile at your delight.

She will show her pride when you succeed and pick you up when you fall.

She will work hard to give you the best she can and rock you to sleep with weary time worn hands.

She will shelter you on stormy days and dry your fears away.

She will bask with you in sunshine on sunny, summer days.

And when you are grown, like you soon will be, she will still be there to comfort thee.

‘i choose her’ i told The Lord, for none like her I’ve seen before.

and then the day came when i was born;

 i had chosen well, of this i’m sure.

i picked you above the rest and because i did

my life is blessed.’

Hannah was around 3 months old when i transcribed this poem into her journal and this morning as i flipped through the pages, i couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks again. ‘my baby is growing up’ ….yes, yes, i know. she’s still a baby and she will always be my baby no matter how old she gets.

but after a fun-filled birthday bash at home last night with a few friends and smothering her with birthday hugs and kisses this morning before dropping her off at her daycare—listening to ‘old MacDonald’ and the ‘ants go marching on’ in the car as we bopped our heads along to the music, looking back at my sweet little two-year-old sticking her tongue out, mimicking me, saying “again mommy” waiting for me to make another silly hideous face at her so she can bust out another belly laugh—through all of it….

something inside me wanted to break down.

she’s two, yes. i know. but before i know it she’ll be  twenty-two and then what...?

<sigh>

Oh, my sweet Hannah….

i’m not the perfect mother, but i remind myself that you chose me and i am forever indebted to you…for all that you have been, all that you are today at two years old, and for all that you will continue to be to us  for us. you ARE L-O-V-E and you are SO loved.

in the mistakes i’ve made already as a mother, i know i’m not finished making them. i am human so they are bound to happen. and unfortunately for your sake, you’re the ‘first’ child and will therefore be the first learning lesson for us through every new stage you go through from 2 to 22. i can only hope and pray that through all of our triumphs, mistakes, and imperfections as parents, that you will continue to extend grace to us as we push through this ordinary, extraordinary life together—teaching each other and growing together along the way.

i love you so much it hurts…HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!