lost in Nostalgia-Land...

i repeat, i was lost in NostalgiaLand...

and loving every second of it! for most of Friday night that is. blissfully stuck there with no effort desire to find my way out. gotta say, it's a pretty great place to be. reminiscing with the ones you adore. the ones you laugh so hard with until you feel like you've had the worst  best ab workout of your life. sore for days! the ones you've gone through so many phases and chapters of life with, you wouldn’t even know where to begin. the ones you've grown up and matured with yet somehow they remain the silly, wild 15-year-old-friend you had in them from day one fifteen years ago. 'those' ones. yes, we love those friends. 

so, what is it about getting together and popping bottles of wine with our girlfriends that somehow always seems to have that nostalgic effect on us? no exceptions here. 

it was the Spring of 99’ sophomore year of high school when i transferred in after the winter break for what would inevitably be a less than four month stay. i was the new girl at school. and as i would soon find out, dubbed as "the girl with the BIG backpack.” and yes, to this day they will still taunt me with this major flaw of mine back then. that big, blue Tommy Hilfiger back pack that i thought was so cool. apparently i hadn’t received the memo that it was practically social suicide to be caught wearing the huge backpack i so proudly walked around in. not with one strap like the cool kids did with their (much smaller) backpacks, but both straps. nice and tight. securely fastened to my back. totally clueless.

thankfully they took me under their wing and showed me the ropes. where would i have been without them? and let's be honest, if you went to that school and didn't know who the "Fab Five" were then you were definitely living under a rock. Jennifer, Amber, Trisha, Katie, Brittney—the totally beautiful, fun & FABULOUS five. the super pretty girls, the life of the party girls, the popular with the senior boys girls...and they were all so tight knit.

i can still remember the day that Amber (the bubbly 'bird' of the group) approached me in biology class with a big, friendly smile on her face as if she somehow just knew we were destined to be friends. "Hi! i'm Amber! do you want to come hang out with me and my friends later!?" one invitation. that was all it took and the rest was history.

even through the periods where our paths had gone separate ways (i.e.) moving for the nth time back to NY to finish out my high school years, it was nonetheless that one invitation that sealed my fate with them. one by one i had developed a unique and special bond with these fabulous five that no time or distance could do away with.

and how could i ever forget the day at school i had become such a part of their circle that they actually invited me into a photo of theirs. from that day forward whenever we were together, it was the “Fab Five + Naomi” yes, i remember because a girl doesn't forget that type of honor. ha! and i still have that picture framed somewhere in one of my old boxes of high school memorabilia. it's a priceless one.

and of course, if not for good ol' El Camino High, i would've never met another one of the best friends/ sisters i'll ever have – my dearest Laura. she may have had another 'pack' during those earlier years but just a few years later, once i had found myself back in California and in a Mira Costa psyche class she so happened to be in, we were reunited and in no time at all, the circle had expanded for good. Laura even moved in with me for a while. i was 19 years old by this point in my very own apartment. so grown up. Laura brought the passion to the pack like none other. if there's one word any of us would likely use to describe her, it’s 'passionate'…and passionate about everything especially people and the things going on in the world. she has heart of pure gold and is now the most amazing mommy herself. no surprises there.

but when i really reflect on what it is that i love so much about all of these girls women and what still unites our kindred souls after all these years and through all the careers, weddings, babies, and changes of life…

it all boils down to one thing—the philosophy of ‘necessity’ to live life LOUDLY and PROUDLY and to start the party wherever you are! life is too short to not enjoy yourself. this was and still is the general motto of the pack, clearly evident whenever we are together—wine or no wine. makes no difference. on Friday night, the memory box was unlocked and running rampant as we reminisced!

boxed wine and slumber parties, skinny dipping and lifeguard pool parties, fake i.d.s, sneaking out to smoke cigarettes because they were so cool back then, dressing like hoochie mamas in bare-belly tops, pleather pants, and zebra printed cowgirl hats to high school dances and after parties, all while this girl maintained her ‘good-girl’ image, might i add. i was 'the virgin' and proud of it. ha! late night heart-to-hearts about God and 'Life' over more cigarettes and breakfast burritos dipped in sour cream. it’s been years since i’ve touched a cigarette and somehow that combo still makes my mouth water. nostalgia.  oh the memories with these beautiful souls...

they were so carefree with such a zest for life, and a substance that went well beyond their physical beauty. i know that's why i fell in love with all of them and fifteen years later, not a single thing has changed—other than—not being able to get together nearly as often as we’d all like. of course marriage, jobs, babies, childrens’ school and sport activities will do that. but it only makes those times, like the yearly Xmas dinner and the birthdays and occasional girls’-night-out, when we are all together again only that much more nostalgic.

and ok, well maybe a few things have changed along with having children. the totally carefree state of mind at 15 years old goes out the window when precious babies are involved. we are forced to be more selfless and responsible. which, brings me to the picture above.

Yea, that EPIC picture above....

while i simply cannot speak for all the shenanigans going on around me, namely Amber choking out Brittney in the background!? i do know that hub and i had been playing phone-tag for a half hour and i had to answer in the middle of another attempted pyramid so that we could figure out the situation with the babysitter and Hannah as well as a sober ride home for me and our precious little cargo—thank you Katie & Anthony for that—considering i had no plans to be driving. So, you know, that type of responsibility that was far from our minds 15 years ago well before the concept of marriage was even a real thought. \

but in the grandest scheme of things and the ways that count, i simply love and adore these women because they haven't changed. they’re still the same wild, bubbly, FUN, and witty girls i knew back then. and because we can now at 30 years old meet up first thing in the morning after such an amazing night of partying on very little sleep so that our children can play together at Playwerx, reminds me all the more how wonderful life has been from 15 to 30 and will continue to be from 30-60 with these extraordinary friends/rock stars of mine. i will continue loving and adoring them forever.

now of course it wasn't just a girls night last night considering it was the annual couples Christmas Party and go figure my husband's guys' Christmas party had to be the same night. luckily my sweet little 3 month old beauty was up for getting dressed up and being mommy's date. and quite the sleepy date for that matter. after one good feeding, she was sound asleep and out like a light upstairs while mommy watched her on the monitor all night—eating, drinking red, and laughing away the night in Nostalgia-Land feeling blessed to be surrounded by so much love and laughter.

MERRY CHRISTMAS—HAPPY HANNUKKAH—and a HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my different ‘packs’ over these last 15 years. i love you and i’m so thankful for your friendship and sisterhood through the span of time. cheers to another fabulous, extraordinary 30 years of making memories!

xoxos

my baby is growing up...

my baby is growing up…

these words ignite such a mixed bag of emotions in my soul as i reflect on the last two years of her life our lives since that precious, glorious moment she made her debut on December 17^th, 2012.

it feels like yesterday….

the angels surrounded our delivery room and continued to well after she arrived, making their presence felt. not one but two nurses who had tended to Hannah’s delivery and our recovery had said they couldn't help but feel such a strong and uplifting “energy” and  “light” as each described the very moment they stepped foot in the room.

i suppose i could end this blog post right here as it is the perfect description of what Hannah has brought to our lives since the moment she arrived—beautiful light and energy. so much of it. since day one i’ve been saying it and i’ll keep on saying it. she is my little ‘old soul’.

she has a depth that can be seen and felt through her eyes. she possesses a quiet, unattached contentment with life and those around her as she is constantly observing others and taking in the world. then as soon as she warms up, her inner-silly is released and she becomes this vibrant and playful little doll. she is incredibly intelligent and  full of life.

she also has such a unique and special story. a story many of you know already. a story i never get tired of telling and in light of this special day, i will tell again. for several months before i had found out we were pregnant with her, i had been telling David i knew that we would have a little girl soon and her name was Hannah.

considering the fact that this name was not a name we had ever considered in our ‘baby names game’, in fact we had been most confident in the name ‘Sienna’, ‘Hannah Rose’ was nonetheless and without a doubt her name; our ‘Grace of God’ and our ‘Giver of Love’. i can remember the night she spoke to me. the night we had decided we would start trying for a baby. the night i prayed for patience and confidence that God would give us a child…

“my name is Hannah, i chose you.” out of thin air--her voice.

it wouldn’t have been audible to my sleeping husband or anyone else for that matter, but i heard it and knew in that moment that God had answered my prayer for ‘confidence’ in conceiving. not to mention that a gifted, Christian Seer named Fran, whom i have yet to meet (she is the grandmother to my half-sister) called up my mom shortly after this occurrence to ask her if i was pregnant because she saw a soul hovering over me. she nor my mother could’ve possibly known at that point that Hannah had spoken to me. i can remember like yesterday my mom asking if i was pregnant after telling me what Fran saw. my body was covered in head-to-toe chills. it was then that i learned from mom and “according to Fran” “when a child chooses their mother, their soul is often seen hovering over her.”

i will pause here and interject for a moment to say that at this point in time this rocked my world and as a result, led me to an even more beautiful, expanded faith on the unknown and the process of ‘free will’ in the grander  grandest scheme of things. that a soul should “choose” to be born in the first place, much less have the choice in whom their parents would be. of course this only expanded my awe of God and His selfless Love for His Creation; His Children.

and then i  coincidentally serendipitously stumbled upon a poem one day, written by a woman named Faith E. Pilato:

‘they say the child chooses the parent before they are conceived.

God gave me lists of mother’s names and pictures of them too.

i looked and looked, they all looked the same; and then i saw you.

“who is this woman?” i asked the Lord; she looks quite nice to me.

“You have chosen well My Child”

and He spoke these words to me…

She is kind and gentle and very wise and she will hold you close to her when you cry.

Her eyes will shine when you take your first step and smile at your delight.

She will show her pride when you succeed and pick you up when you fall.

She will work hard to give you the best she can and rock you to sleep with weary time worn hands.

She will shelter you on stormy days and dry your fears away.

She will bask with you in sunshine on sunny, summer days.

And when you are grown, like you soon will be, she will still be there to comfort thee.

‘i choose her’ i told The Lord, for none like her I’ve seen before.

and then the day came when i was born;

 i had chosen well, of this i’m sure.

i picked you above the rest and because i did

my life is blessed.’

Hannah was around 3 months old when i transcribed this poem into her journal and this morning as i flipped through the pages, i couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks again. ‘my baby is growing up’ ….yes, yes, i know. she’s still a baby and she will always be my baby no matter how old she gets.

but after a fun-filled birthday bash at home last night with a few friends and smothering her with birthday hugs and kisses this morning before dropping her off at her daycare—listening to ‘old MacDonald’ and the ‘ants go marching on’ in the car as we bopped our heads along to the music, looking back at my sweet little two-year-old sticking her tongue out, mimicking me, saying “again mommy” waiting for me to make another silly hideous face at her so she can bust out another belly laugh—through all of it….

something inside me wanted to break down.

she’s two, yes. i know. but before i know it she’ll be  twenty-two and then what...?

<sigh>

Oh, my sweet Hannah….

i’m not the perfect mother, but i remind myself that you chose me and i am forever indebted to you…for all that you have been, all that you are today at two years old, and for all that you will continue to be to us  for us. you ARE L-O-V-E and you are SO loved.

in the mistakes i’ve made already as a mother, i know i’m not finished making them. i am human so they are bound to happen. and unfortunately for your sake, you’re the ‘first’ child and will therefore be the first learning lesson for us through every new stage you go through from 2 to 22. i can only hope and pray that through all of our triumphs, mistakes, and imperfections as parents, that you will continue to extend grace to us as we push through this ordinary, extraordinary life together—teaching each other and growing together along the way.

i love you so much it hurts…HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!

the happiest time of the year...

as i lay in bed right now totally exhausted from the chaos of the entire month of November, there's a huge part of me that knows i should call it a night and close my eyes as i think to myself "maybe tonight's the night." the night i actually get a full night of uninterrupted sleep.

"wishful thinking" YES! that's right. the ‘box’ is now checked✔ along with many other things i have to toss in it every night. to name a few and i'll try not to get carried away...

i think for starters an uninterrupted hour-long, candle-lit, hot bubble bath sounds nice while sipping on a glass of fine red and listening to meditation music or Sade, same difference.

or maybe a full-body massage to work out the thousand tension knots in my neck and shoulders while receiving a facial with cucumbers on my eyes as my finger nails and toes are being perfectly manicured. a mom's gotta wish right!?

who am i kidding? this time of year every year is extra busy. when have i ever had time to sleep during these two months!?

in this moment, both of my little babies are sound asleep and my biggest baby, hubby, is on his way to bed, although i'm sure he's just making the transition from one tv downstairs to the one in our room. i don't watch too much t.v. hence finding a little time here and there to write.

so, for starters, the endless list is back up and running full circles in my mind yet again as it has since the first of last month...is it really already December!?

checking things off as they're completed while thinking about everything left on the list.

•  10 birthdays in total between family and friends (half completed)

•   family 'picture day' ...thank the Good Lord those are done (and) i couldn't be more in love with the outcome!

•  next up with the photos are the Shutterfly and Costco projects i.e. photo books, holiday cards, frames...

•  Thanksgiving (check) now Christmas dinner/white elephant planning and preparations because let's face it, no matter how many times the hub is telling me to take a break from it every year, i can't not host. among other reasons, the joy in my heart is watching the ones i love enjoy my cooking. but isn't that every cook's reasoning!? i'm going 4-for-4 years in a row now.

•  shopping, planning, and preparing for two more holiday parties with girlfriends in addition to those i'm hosting for my family.

•  making overnight babysitting arrangements for yet another Christmas party in Vegas with the hubby's company and yes that's how we roll!

•   shopping, planning, prepping for our annual 8-day Oregon getaway for the holiday. YAY!!!

still going....

•   making arrangements for my lovely little Hannah's second birthday before we leave for Oregon. and i can't seem to figure out where the last two years flew to!

• (still) trying to squeeze in the weekly date night as we remind each other that "happy mommy & daddy" = happy Hannah & Adelynn and of course the devoted mommy time with my little banana when she's not at her 2 and 1/2 days a week daycare.

•  birthday projects for friends

•  play dates, laundry, annnnd ....more laundry

•  finally (i think) planning a baby shower for my big brother and his sweet wife. the poor girl is due in a month and has been so sick her entire pregnancy. i actually created their registry for them the day after they told me she hadn't had a shower. in her country they don't have them. huh!? every momma has to get showered!

she's from the Philippines and just moved here with her daughter as soon as the fiancée visa arrived. i could go into an entire story about her and my brother, maybe (another) blog, because they are so amazing and perfect for each other (and) brought me a new niece whom i absolutely adore (and) are giving me a nephew due January 17th.

i couldn't be more thrilled and honored to be such a special part of it all...oh, but now...i'm side-tracked again ...

nothing new there …"scatter brain" should be my middle name at this point.

the truth is, while this blog may seem (so far) like some kind of busy-mom 'frustration rant', it's actually not...

if there's one thing i have acknowledged about myself at this point in my 30 years of life, i am and always have been a "busy body" ; a CSD or 'Certified Social Diva'. i do believe i can say i'm being original with that one!

it's simply the truth of ‘me’ and according to my parents, this was always the case. my dad has told me several times now about the laugh he'd have looking out the window to see his 5-year-old daughter leading a barefooted game of ‘follow the leader’ up the street, as a trail of neighborhood kids followed one-by-one closely behind.

i can only hope i was never the controlling 'tyrant' type of kid, though i'll admit, my memories are pretty vague. i DO however remember being outdoors playing ALL day long with my friends. it would be half past dark outside and i never wanted to go home for dinner.

the point is, it's me whether i like it (most days) or not.

sometimes i dream about how incredible it would be to just get away and go hop a plane to India or Bali and stay in an Ashram for two weeks to mediate while having taken a vow of silence the entire time so i can experience something new and different with myself...(with) God... "Eat, Pray, Love" anyone?

BUT just like everything else that i toss into my 'wishful thinking' box, i end up tossing that thought aside too, realizing that even if i had the opportunity tomorrow to do just that (and) as incredible as it would be, it would still pale in comparison to the complete and utter JOY i experience in the moments of my life being with the ones i love the most...laughing, playing, rocking and holding my babies close to me.

even through the hustle and bustle of the holidays, they are the JOY of my heart here on earth and it would be hard enough spending a few days away from them much more weeks.

not to mention, if i'm being real with the 'chatty Cathy' in me.... "really Naomi!?"  take a ‘vow of silence' and go two WHOLE weeks without a word to anyone!? right! i could do that!

my soul THRIVES on being a relational and social human being, and there's nothing like owning the challenge to channel the inner Yogi in myself through the chaos of this life.

i find my greatest 'tests' administered from the Spirit world come to me either when i have a load of 'busy work' on my plate and even more in the situations that are totally out of my control such as my (near) two-year-old's outrageous screaming and crying fits on a regular basis.

it's become clockwork most evenings after she's had a bath when all i can do is chant 'OMMMMMM' in my head as i sit there staring at her (patiently) waiting and allowing her the time she needs to 'cry it out' before she's ready to oblige mommy with allowing me to put her diaper and PJs on.

my friends with boys say it's more exhausting because they're so rambunctious (not that i'm gonna argue that one) but WOW are toddler girls pure emotional drama at times!

but i suppose all i really need to do in those moments is turn the table around on myself (and) "self-reflect" for a few moments to realize that i (do) have within me the ability to sympathize with her, rather than being frustrated because who am i kidding!? according to the stories, i was even worse at her age. "pay back" i suppose…

yet something magical happens every time i succeed at tuning inward. when i seek more patience, God delivers. when i seek the 'Calm' through the chaos, i suddenly begin to feel it.

the only way to describe it is the feeling of floating through the moments as though it were really an illusion of some sort...

the 'illusion' that says Life must be in a hurry. "ALL WILL FAIL" if you don't "HURRY, HURRY, HURRY" ...get that diaper on 'NOW!' GET your shopping done NOW girl!

we've all been there right? just writing the words make me want to slow down.

and it's only when i choose not to tune myself inward that i'm left struggling with all the outward chaos. in those moments i am left to my own unfortunate, short-tempered strategies to "get the job DONE".

it's the 'uglier' side of me that leaves me desperately wishing for that escape to Bali to discover 'the new and improved me, the real me just like Julia Roberts (real-life character) Elizabeth in the book turned movie....or so that's what i tell myself…

but the reality is, there's no escape. even she learned that lesson through her journey.

i will be with 'me' wherever i go.

the big question is:

"who is the me i want to take with me wherever i go (in) whatever i am doing?"

the 'me' i am striving to be daily, is a me that chooses to be happy and stress-free through everything,  especially the busier time of the year and even the tougher, more frustrating moments of life...

to practice the art of find my ‘happy place'....my 'Zen' ....even in the face of a raging storm and when i'm so physically and mentally exhausted that all i can do is PRAY and ask for the ‘miracle juice’ that keeps me going.

i'd be so lost and empty without my Spirituality. i can honestly say that i wonder how people get through life without it... without any sense of Spiritual purpose for this short life we are living in the grander scheme of things.

knowing and fully believing that the day will come, hopefully not until i’ve lived a looooong life, when i'm in my 'Life Review' on the other side… i'm quite certain that ALL of this will be worth something.

the 'me' i want to be is the me who chooses the higher road in every circumstance of life. the 'me' who can experience the fullness of heavenly Peace and Joy especially amidst the rolling thunder and waves... i want to walk on water!

i want to look back on my life with pride --not only in the love, grace, and patience i extend to my children, but to all those around me whether they "deserve" it or not.

through the midst of this crazy season, i am reminded of The Reason for the season--the birth of Christ and the pattern and example He laid out for all of us in order to experience the Way, the Truth, and the Life in our own lives and the lives of others.

through all the chaos, this Season, for me, has so far  been a time of reflection:

what do i want (more) of? what do i (need to do) to get it? 'who' do i want to be more like?

and it always boils down to one Name...

Jesus.

i want to be more like Jesus and to continue doing my best to teach my  girls to be like Jesus.

today was a nice break from all the hustle and bustle of shopping. we only had doctor appointments, naps, and praying over Operation Christmas Child boxes on the agenda.

through the coughs, colds, and sleepless nights of the last couple weeks, (today) i was reminded of how richly blessed we are in our lives and how much we have to be thankful for.

although i know Hannah didn't quite understand why we were praying for the boxes, she loves to pray nonetheless and it just....melts. my. heart. to see her clasp her fingers and close her eyes real tight waiting to say "Ahhh-men" as she smiles... man, it gets me every time!

as i wrote notes in the journals included for both the boy and girl who would receive the boxes encouraging them to share 'everything' with their journal, i imagined the reactions on their sweet little faces when they opened the box of toys. the thought alone made me smile.

of course i had to throw in a couple of mine and my brother’s own childhood favorites (i.e.) the whoopee cushion and 'snot' glasses, Jesus would approve right? ☺

but best of all is knowing that one day i won't have to 'wonder' what their faces looked like...ONE day when i'm standing on the other side, i will see the look on their faces when they opened those boxes and i will see the effect of all my choices-- good or bad, generous or selfish.

we are all connected through the love of the Living God as we give of ourselves, our time, and resources, not only to those we know and love, but to those we may never see in this lifetime...we are a thread, and like my favorite Chinese proverb says it best --

"the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break"

i was a little behind with it this year, but it's not too late to prepare a box if you haven't already! or make a donation to Samaritan's Purse and know that you are going to be a piece of that thread in bringing smiles and laughter to a child(ren) who need them this Christmas!

may your Season be Merry and oh. SO. BRIGHT during this 'happiest' time of the year!

God Bless

Namaste
With Love....

Naomi