the never-ending balancing act...

as i type these words, i am clocking my time…30 minutes and…GO!

lap top on my lap. one foot bouncing my six week old in her chair [hoping she falls asleep before the binkie falls out of her mouth one more time]. the smell of  breast milk. scratch that. sour spit up all over my chest with my fingers crossed hoping and praying that my sweet, sleeping toddler doesn’t have another cough- attack in the next half hour while i’m carving out this precious writing time (e.g. .blog therapy). hubby is hands deep carving out the guts of our last minute pumpkins just in time for Halloween...

deep breath in annnnnnd EXHALE. another day (almost) down. is it any  wonder why God made ‘woman’? i mean no offense guys, but how many men out there could do what we do?

i won’t even begin to get into how dumfounded i am that it’s been six weeks already, but as i walked into my OB’s office for my post-baby checkup yesterday in a hurry (because let’s face it, that’s the story of my life as a multitasking wife and mama-to-2 these days), i was trying to recall the name of my midwife… the one who delivered my sweet Adelynn just six weeks ago…the one who was so amazing that i left a long ‘thank you’ card and box of chocolate for. oh and not to forget (but yes i did) the name of my amazing delivery nurse who i not only conversed with for hours on end at the hospital but continued to correspond with in emails shortly after….’what was her name again!?’

JUNE! ‘Oh yes!’ ‘HOW could i possibly forget!?’(good thing i had saved the emails or i may still be lost for that --need I say--adorable name)  AND Renee.. “YES, that’s right.”my OB’s favorite midwife (thanks Doc for the reminder). unfortunately Hannah came five days early and Adelynn’s due date was the same week my OB was out of town, which made two for two deliveries that she couldn’t perform (sad face). nevertheless, they were two names, i thought i could never… would never forget. Yes, they were both that amazing.

i’m sure by this point my ‘momma-to-two’ (or more) friends are reading and thinking “welcome to the club.” new baby...‘new’ brain = mommy ‘mush’…and my brain is just that. total and complete mush. someone please tell me it gets better!

 i mean, it’s not like i ever had a steel trap or anything, but there are days when i seriously question whether or not i should check myself in for early Alzheimer’s. it’s that bad. 

cooking dinner/cleaning dishes with an infant strapped to me as my toddler eats her morning scrambled eggs off the floor... i was prepared for; finding chalk all over my wood floors and little ‘colorful’ finger prints on my cloth chairs and walls… i was prepared for; nursing an infant with one hand while the other is trying to grab the jug of bath water about to be dumped all over the bathroom floor for the 3^rd time …yes, i was prepared for; fighting with a toddler for the hand-pump and trying to explain that milk only comes out of “mommy’s boobies” and it “won’t work on Hannah’s boobies” even that i could say i was anticipating; running errands with a baby who doesn’t want to stop nursing (ever) and an (almost) two year old who can’t sit still or in a cart for more than fifteen minutes without throwing a tantrum,  i was prepared for; ‘prepping’ to unleash the potty training panties…we’ll say i’m almost there.

 luckily, i had a lot of training in the few years leading up to marriage and babies, as the nanny to two adorable, sweet girls, Mia and Lea. BUT, this craaazy amnesia on the other hand, no i was not prepared for it. and the thing is, it’s not just in the memory loss or the chaos of life as a wife and a mother aka  CFO ‘Chief Fort Officer’/ household manager…no, the balancing act doesn’t end when the cleaning and never-ending-laundry is done or when the groceries are put away and dinner is on the table. it’s not over after butts are wiped, bubbles are blown, baths, bed time stories, and butterfly kisses goodnight…

it’s not over when the kitchen is clean and the lights are out. even then (who am i kidding!?), especially then, the act goes on in one beautiful…exhausting…mental dance of thoughts bouncing off one another on the cell walls of my mushy-mom- brain… ‘THE LIST’, ohhhh the list. the never…ending…check-list of ‘things to do tomorrow’, appointments to make, errands to run, loved ones to catch up with…who even has time to sleep at this point?

and of course (within that balancing act) not to forget my identity outside my role of 'CFO' to the Goodale ‘Fort’. as important and soul-satisfying as this role may be, i have to remember ‘me’ and prioritize the ‘time’ for my creative writing, like the trilogy that’s been sitting on the back seat [on pause] at chapter six of book one for months now. and yes, i also need to make time for reading; time for writing a new song and playing my guitar..'time' 'time' 'time'... i can remember the pre-baby days, even as a full time nanny when i got to clock out at the end of the day; i could come home and lock myself in my room, singing and playing my guitar for hours... and somehow, those nights seem like a distant strange memory now. 

...and the more i say “yes” to people during  the little “free” time i have outside of my mommy and wifey duties, the less ‘time’ i seem to find for these things. being the “yes” girl…oh what a conundrum. and whose fault is that? do i raise my fist to heaven and complain to God about giving me too many friends; too many amazing people in my life? …NO way! next to my husband and sweet girls, they are the sweet and saucy food to my soul and i refuse to let my soul go starving for that deliciousness.

… a texting conversation with an awesome momma, fellow musician, and FB friend i met once at the park a while back (we’ve been trying to arrange a reunion ever since) helped me realize just how OK i really am with leaving my own pre-baby “stuff” at the door. as i reflect on my life and attempt to weigh the grander scheme of everything, i find myself wanting to hang on to every moment with my sweet girls as long as possible because i won’t get these moments back.

that’s definitely not to say  that i don’t need time for myself, my  hobbies, my friends and extended family, because i definitely do…but this IS my life now and an AMAZING life it is. my husband and my girls; they are the “stuffing” of my heart and soul. the ones i am most devoted to; they hold my purpose in this life and every moment that i give myself to them with undivided attention i grow more complete and fulfilled... just-a-little-deeper and a little more than in the moment before.

second to ‘memory loss’ and ‘mommy-mushy-brain’ (when it comes to motherhood),  i don’t think i was prepared for the amount of insane love that fills my heart every day as it grows deeper and deeper by the moment…all i know is that these moments are fleeting fast and right now cuddling them and playing silly games, dancing to children’s songs and jumping on the bed; listening to Hannah sing “three blind mice” and start to put words together and form sentences; cheering Adelynn on as she smiles wide and attempts to “talk” to me in her baby babble; seeing the love grow between the two of them and the way Hannah just looooooves “baby” …these are the most beautiful, soul-satisfying moments in this precious gift of ‘time’ here on earth. they are my little slice of heaven and i will cherish every last second of it... 

as one very witty comedian once put it: “quit crying over spilled milk. It’s not about you anyway”... in those moments when i’m feeling ‘extra’ sorry for myself in this never-ending-balancing act; when i find myself reminiscing on “the good old days” ….the days when i had my freedom to write and play my guitar for hours on end in the evening without a mouth to feed and a butt to wipe but my own…the days when i didn’t  have to wear a pound of concealer to hide the bags under my exhausted eyes; the nights here and there when i didn’t want to rip my hair out and scream bloody murder for just ONE solid night of uninterrupted sleep…yes, in those moments, i close my eyes and say a prayer of gratitude to remind myself how blessed I am.

as exhausted as i may be, i will drag myself out of bed at 3am to check on my toddler and comfort her back to sleep.  if the baby is up and hungry at all hours of the night, i will count the blessing of her healthy growing body. and even when everyone is back to their sweet sleep and i find myself wide awake, i will keep praying and thanking God for entrusting me to care for these children of His. my husband; my girls.

there are moments i find myself lost in a daze, fixated on any one of them; when i just can’t contain the well of emotion stirring up in my heart. no sooner are  tears of joy streaming down my cheeks over the blessing they are to me; the joy in this insanely exhausting, perfectly imperfect, chaotic life of mine.

it’s  been six weeks since i gave birth to my second beautiful, healthy, happy daughter and while the ‘balancing act’ has definitely gotten trickier and all the more challenging, i can’t imagine my life without them and i wouldn't have it any other way. i never knew how deeply and fiercely i could love something until they were in my arms...

and now for some "pocket" photos of a day in our world...doctor appointment, groceries, the very occasional lollipop for good behavior (e.g. not trying to get out of the cart while shopping which is a rarity!!) naps, and dress up. my two "mini Minnies" are all ready for the big night!