beautiful reflections...

of 2014. recapping on a year complete and my head feels like it could fall off. it's spinning pretty fast. i suppose that's typical considering my 'circumstances'. life with a two year old and an infant that is. and especially around the holidays-- hosting dinners and baby showers, traveling through airports with coughs, colds, and stomach bugs. it's been a wild, exhausting ride to say the least. especially these last couple weeks as we are all trying to recover from traveling and trying to get healthy again. doctor appointments on the books for today!

but it's been an amazing ride nonetheless. and an incredible year. a busy year, but an incredible one. it was a year that brought a lot of change. beautiful change. necessary change. even heartache at times. necessary heartache. it was also the year that brought life. new beautiful life into our lives.

for nine months of the year 2014 i watched as my belly grew little by little. feeling every tiny kick and jab from our sweet Adelynn May while trying to imagine her face and the rising and falling of her chest as she slept. soothed by the sound of my own heart beat; the sweet music to her soul. totally surreal.

pregnancy in and of itself truly is the most magical thing when you stop and really contemplate it. from sperm and egg to this tiny little tadpole, then so quickly into this complex, intricately designed human body. when i think about it in that context, nine months seems like such a short period of time for such a huge miracle to occur. mind you, i say this now while i’m not going through it. ha!

but isn't that just God? So beautifully and fantastically Magical. thee Creative Genius of the world and everything in it. pregnancy and birth are just a couple of those miracles.

i'm mystified by Him and can say that with each pregnancy i have fallen even more in love with Him. even more amazed by His Glory. the Glory that lives and breathes all around me. from The Glory i’ve felt in my womb twice over to the Glory i've seen staring back at me in those beautiful eyes of my sweet little babes. so dependent on me. being their mom is the greatest. 

it is that same Glory i have also seen and felt in others all around me, near and far. in the most perfect stranger in passing. in Mother Nature and every last species that exists within Her. far more than i'll ever even know of. moreover, it is the Glory in the complexity of emotions, thoughts, feelings, and ideas i get to experience in my humanity. every moment of Life here is a Gift and the moments i've tuned in to this Truth in 2014 are the moments i cherish the most. 

i suppose i can say that this has been the year that i've really learned to appreciate it all. to recognize this Glory all around me. to reflect on it and on Life's greatest gifts and simplest pleasures. life's purpose beyond the ordinary routine of life to discovering the extraordinary in all the smallest things so personal and unique to our own lives.

i can say pretty confidently that this has been the year i've paid more attention to it than any other year in my life. more attention to all the ways His Glory speaks to me and moves me to strive for perfection in the ways that will count when i leave this Earth. to be more than i was yesterday...every day.  

just as quickly as we had found out we were pregnant with Adelynn this past year, a week after ringing in the new year and in what felt like the blink of an eye--she was placed in my arms for the very first time. with a toddler to occupy all my time and attention, the pregnancy flew by faster than i could believe. i’ll admit that it was a struggle to wrap my head around loving another little one as much as i loved Hannah. so much so that i had even kept it a secret from FB for the entire nine months so that Hannah wouldn’t have to share the spotlight until her time as an only child had come to an end.

but of course, in the moment i first laid eyes on Adelynn, i had fallen head over heels in love all over again. and all in that same beautiful, simultaneous moment i thought of Hannah and loved her even more. it was the very moment i understood exactly what all my friends and family with multiples meant when they say: "your heart just expands that much more."  indeed it does! 2:57 am on September 12^th, staring back into the eyes of my sweet new baby was so much more than i could've bargained for. it was my very favorite moment in 2014. 

and Adelynn, my sweet 'Addy May' …oh let’s let a mom swoon for a moment and sing her praises. the most beautiful, peaceful, joyful baby girl a mom could dream of. as easy a time as she gave me for nine months of smooth sailing in utero, eight hours of labor, and just five easy minutes of 'push time', she has continued to be a dream baby ever since that moment she arrived. often times i've asked God why. 

why He's blessed me so much. i don't feel as though i deserve it. yet it is in those moments when i feel the least worthy that i am the most humbled by His Love and His Grace. and my most sincere hope is that my faith in Him would be so unwavering that even if we were stripped of all health and wealth my heart and soul would continue to say 'thank you' and sing His praises.

'thank you' because we know that He always has our Spiritual Growth; our best interest in Mind. ‘thank you’ because unlike our own narrow view which doesn’t see too far past the nose attached to our face, He sees our future. He sees ‘perfection’ in us. He sees us in the fullness of The Glory we were created with. even as we are on the bumpy road wearing foggy goggles that limit our own ability to see that far ahead.  how we treat ourselves and each other, especially through the hard times of our lives will be all that really counts when we leave this earth. 

beyond that, we say 'thank you' because we know that no matter what we are experiencing, nothing could compare to what His Son went through on the day He was brutally beaten while carrying His own cross to the grave, bringing Hope to a fallen and broken world during one of the most barbarous and brutal periods in history. for all His children then and for all through eternity. to share in His suffering in some small way, i hope, i will find the strength to count as an honor even through the lowest periods of my life in the days, weeks, years to come in this life. to know that no hardship experienced would be in vain. 

although our miscarriage happened just several months before the clock struck midnight in 2014, i can still remember the pain like it happened yesterday. i was mad at God. really mad. and i was heartbroken. i felt like He had made a promise to me and then reached into my chest, pulled out my heart, and stomped all over it for added insult to injury.

yes, i actually yelled at Him, blamed Him, and pleaded for a response and it finally came. of course i had to shut up and tune in to His still small Voice to hear it. but He answered indeed, and in a way that only compassion could.

"My heart mourns with you" 

those words still make me cry. He knew that i needed the heartbreak to make me and mold me into more of the Spiritual-minded woman He Created me to be. and though i couldn't have possibly known then, He knew that Adelynn would be in my womb just three short months later and in my arms on that beautiful September day in 2014.

as i write these words i'm thinking about all of it. and over the course of our week and a half visiting family in Eugene i didn’t stop reflecting on Adelynn and what a Gift she's been to all of us. i wouldn't be holding her in my arms today if i hadn't miscarried. i wouldn't be staring back at her beautiful eyes.

whether or not it was her sweet soul that returned to us from the miscarriage (because i do believe in that) or if that baby is waiting in Heaven for us, i'm nonetheless grateful that i don't have to wonder or worry. God healed the wound of that loss and blessed me tenfold with my sweet baby girl. 

content to just sit back in her bouncing chair/'bed' while we were in Oregon, and smiling and cooing on cue for anyone who gives her attention. of course the occasional fuss if she's hungry, wants to be held, or her tummy is upset otherwise just a "happy little lump" as grandad called her all week. and she's truly just that. though 'lump' may not exactly have been my choice of wording. ha! nonetheless, the happiest baby with thee sweetest Spirit and demeanor. 

she inspires me. and there are moments when we're nursing, playing, or 'talking' to each other that i can't seem to stop myself from crying tears of complete and utter Joy for her existence. for her choosing us. 

and Hannah, my sweet and silly little banana. this year has been so. much. fun. watching her go from 1 to 2 years old. all the milestones she's already accomplished and the ones she continues to surprise us with. my favorite line of hers lately --"silly mommy, mommy funny" as she looks around the room to tell everyone who's listening and laughs. now when your two year old gives you props like that you know it's legit! 

and i just love reading books with her every night in bed. we are big fans of Mercer Mayer lately and she's now reciting her favorite stories The New Baby and Just Go to Bed along with me as i read, laughing at the same parts in the story she finds so funny every time. she just turned to two and knows how to read words like dad, bed, baby, ball, now etc. she simply amazes me.

and my husband, this incredible man i've been so blessed with. often times i feel like i don't deserve him. he's so good to me and so good to our girls. of course we both have our occasional bad attitudes and our individual flaws that we are working on respectively. like most marriages, ours is far from "perfect" but i truly can't imagine doing life and raising children with anyone else. i feel blessed that i married someone who i can say that about...and mean it. 

i don't know that i believe there is such a thing as just 'one' as in the 'only' one person/"soulmate" that you could love and be happy with in life, but i do believe in the saying ‘the one that got away’. the one you cannot imagine a life without. the one you would always wonder about if you never saw each other or spoke again. and that's why i married him. for the last 12 years of my life, since i've known him at 18 years old and since i first knew that i loved him a couple years later ....it's always been him. 


he's the one God had for me and i simply cannot imagine being without him. i’m glad i don't have to. my home will always be in his arms. for better or worse. rich or poor, i'm so thankful that God knew what was in store for us even for those three and half years, 8 years ago, when we had gone our separate ways and hadn’t known then what the future held. 

i was heartbroken over losing him back then. next to the suffering/death of a loved one, break ups truly are one of the most heart-wrenching and emotional things we will grow through in life. at that point, even the pain of my broken childhood paled in comparison to the pain of losing him. we were both heartbroken. but in hindsight it couldn't be more clear that God had work to do on both of us before we could be reunited. before we could be what we needed to be for these two sweet angels He gave us. we had growing up to do.

when i think about this past year, to be perfectly honest almost all of it escapes my memory. it's been totally crazy and chaotic at times. my 'mommy mush brain' as i call it, doesn't ever shut down. we look at each other--totally exhausted most of the time--and still can't believe we have two children. 

we wonder where the time has gone since we were just kids ourselves. we still feel like kids. well, at least when the bags under our eyes haven't reached our cheekbones. i can remember a time when thirty seemed ‘so old’ and here i am. but seriously, i'm waiting for someone to tell me when i will actually start to feel grown up. to 'feel' mature enough to even have children of my own. 

yet through the travails of parenting and all, the precious moments with each of them. (i.e.) the moments of deepest gratitude for them and 'recurring' realization of this Gift of Life i've been given supersedes the most difficult and challenging times. and those moments in 2014 are all locked in a steel trap compartment in the memory bank of my heart. those moments i will be able to recall at the drop of a dime and there were some pretty profound ones this past year. which brings me to my New Year's resolutions.

of course there are the usual ones which i seem to set for myself every new year at the fresh start of the year: “eat cleaner and no not the kind you sanitize with, exercise more, less sweets, go to sleep earlier, de-clutter etc. etc.” and since i'm sharing these please do feel free to hold me accountable. ha! but ultimately my biggest resolution is to continue what 2014 started for me. that beautiful little ‘something amazing’ that's been happening a lot, especially with the synchronicity of numbers. i won't begin to elaborate on that now, maybe a future post. but i want more of it. and i want to seek more understanding in the greater significance of everything as i continue to align myself with my Highest Purpose and Calling.

to 'intentionally' purpose myself to grow in humility above all else, and compassion and love for people. to grow in awareness, peace, wisdom, and understanding. to seek the higher road no matter how upset i may be when 'wronged' in some way by another imperfect human. to always extend grace and forgiveness to others, especially when they make it most difficult to do so. to be more like Jesus. and to slow down. to realize that there really is no rush. time is an illusion in the grandest scheme of existence and i don't want to worry about the clock so much so that i’m so busy being ‘busy’ that i forget to notice the things that matter most. 

i want even more of those beautiful, awakening 2014 moments to fill the love tank of my heart in this year, 2015. that it would be the fuel that drives me to create the space i need to reflect...to do more acts of kindness and service for those around me with a generous and compassionate heart, especially toward those in most need of it. reflecting on 2014 only gets me that much more pumped about 2015. new heights. new depths. new adventures. new memories. it's only just begun and it's looking like a bright year already! 

Happy New Year to all of you reading this post, and may this be the year that you too discover the beauty within you and around you in the simplest pleasures and the smallest details. that you would find the willingness and strength to forgive and discover the freedom in that forgiveness for those around you, but especially for yourself. for the sake of your own good. that through our hardships we’d learn not to ask “why me?” but instead,“what am i to learn from this?”


may you be filled with the Spirit even as you read these words and may you feel empowered to pursue and achieve everything you dream of doing and being in 2015. may you never seize to pray and ask God for the tools you need to get you there—to where you want to go and who you want to be. 

may you be reminded now and forever that God has set angels all around you. whether you believe it or not, makes no difference. they're still there. they're still guiding you in subtle ways, even though you may have given no thought to them before. and if you ask them to speak to you, make sure you stop and listen.  don't be surprised when you get where you're trying to go a whole lot faster.

most importantly, in whatever hardships 2015 may bring our way, let's do our best to see them as 'opportunities' for growth. whether we like it or not (i don’t) physical and emotional pain are often the very tools we need to get us where we're going and who we want to be. so we can’t lose hope through the heartache. tragedies are real and painful but we don't have to be victims to them. 


no matter what you're going through, try your best to choose happiness and happiness will choose you. and if you feel like you've hit rock bottom at any point in this year to come; if you feel like you’ve lost all hope, remember these words and allow Jesus to cushion your fall. there is Power in His Name above any other name. call out to Him and Be blessed in the Peace He will sustain you with through the storm as you find yourself walking on water triumphantly by His Hand…

with Love, Prayer, and Best Wishes for each of you reading these words in this 2015^th year!

your Sister & Friend,

Naomi

xoxos