the happiest time of the year...

as i lay in bed right now totally exhausted from the chaos of the entire month of November, there's a huge part of me that knows i should call it a night and close my eyes as i think to myself "maybe tonight's the night." the night i actually get a full night of uninterrupted sleep.

"wishful thinking" YES! that's right. the ‘box’ is now checked✔ along with many other things i have to toss in it every night. to name a few and i'll try not to get carried away...

i think for starters an uninterrupted hour-long, candle-lit, hot bubble bath sounds nice while sipping on a glass of fine red and listening to meditation music or Sade, same difference.

or maybe a full-body massage to work out the thousand tension knots in my neck and shoulders while receiving a facial with cucumbers on my eyes as my finger nails and toes are being perfectly manicured. a mom's gotta wish right!?

who am i kidding? this time of year every year is extra busy. when have i ever had time to sleep during these two months!?

in this moment, both of my little babies are sound asleep and my biggest baby, hubby, is on his way to bed, although i'm sure he's just making the transition from one tv downstairs to the one in our room. i don't watch too much t.v. hence finding a little time here and there to write.

so, for starters, the endless list is back up and running full circles in my mind yet again as it has since the first of last month...is it really already December!?

checking things off as they're completed while thinking about everything left on the list.

•  10 birthdays in total between family and friends (half completed)

•   family 'picture day' ...thank the Good Lord those are done (and) i couldn't be more in love with the outcome!

•  next up with the photos are the Shutterfly and Costco projects i.e. photo books, holiday cards, frames...

•  Thanksgiving (check) now Christmas dinner/white elephant planning and preparations because let's face it, no matter how many times the hub is telling me to take a break from it every year, i can't not host. among other reasons, the joy in my heart is watching the ones i love enjoy my cooking. but isn't that every cook's reasoning!? i'm going 4-for-4 years in a row now.

•  shopping, planning, and preparing for two more holiday parties with girlfriends in addition to those i'm hosting for my family.

•  making overnight babysitting arrangements for yet another Christmas party in Vegas with the hubby's company and yes that's how we roll!

•   shopping, planning, prepping for our annual 8-day Oregon getaway for the holiday. YAY!!!

still going....

•   making arrangements for my lovely little Hannah's second birthday before we leave for Oregon. and i can't seem to figure out where the last two years flew to!

• (still) trying to squeeze in the weekly date night as we remind each other that "happy mommy & daddy" = happy Hannah & Adelynn and of course the devoted mommy time with my little banana when she's not at her 2 and 1/2 days a week daycare.

•  birthday projects for friends

•  play dates, laundry, annnnd ....more laundry

•  finally (i think) planning a baby shower for my big brother and his sweet wife. the poor girl is due in a month and has been so sick her entire pregnancy. i actually created their registry for them the day after they told me she hadn't had a shower. in her country they don't have them. huh!? every momma has to get showered!

she's from the Philippines and just moved here with her daughter as soon as the fiancée visa arrived. i could go into an entire story about her and my brother, maybe (another) blog, because they are so amazing and perfect for each other (and) brought me a new niece whom i absolutely adore (and) are giving me a nephew due January 17th.

i couldn't be more thrilled and honored to be such a special part of it all...oh, but now...i'm side-tracked again ...

nothing new there …"scatter brain" should be my middle name at this point.

the truth is, while this blog may seem (so far) like some kind of busy-mom 'frustration rant', it's actually not...

if there's one thing i have acknowledged about myself at this point in my 30 years of life, i am and always have been a "busy body" ; a CSD or 'Certified Social Diva'. i do believe i can say i'm being original with that one!

it's simply the truth of ‘me’ and according to my parents, this was always the case. my dad has told me several times now about the laugh he'd have looking out the window to see his 5-year-old daughter leading a barefooted game of ‘follow the leader’ up the street, as a trail of neighborhood kids followed one-by-one closely behind.

i can only hope i was never the controlling 'tyrant' type of kid, though i'll admit, my memories are pretty vague. i DO however remember being outdoors playing ALL day long with my friends. it would be half past dark outside and i never wanted to go home for dinner.

the point is, it's me whether i like it (most days) or not.

sometimes i dream about how incredible it would be to just get away and go hop a plane to India or Bali and stay in an Ashram for two weeks to mediate while having taken a vow of silence the entire time so i can experience something new and different with myself...(with) God... "Eat, Pray, Love" anyone?

BUT just like everything else that i toss into my 'wishful thinking' box, i end up tossing that thought aside too, realizing that even if i had the opportunity tomorrow to do just that (and) as incredible as it would be, it would still pale in comparison to the complete and utter JOY i experience in the moments of my life being with the ones i love the most...laughing, playing, rocking and holding my babies close to me.

even through the hustle and bustle of the holidays, they are the JOY of my heart here on earth and it would be hard enough spending a few days away from them much more weeks.

not to mention, if i'm being real with the 'chatty Cathy' in me.... "really Naomi!?"  take a ‘vow of silence' and go two WHOLE weeks without a word to anyone!? right! i could do that!

my soul THRIVES on being a relational and social human being, and there's nothing like owning the challenge to channel the inner Yogi in myself through the chaos of this life.

i find my greatest 'tests' administered from the Spirit world come to me either when i have a load of 'busy work' on my plate and even more in the situations that are totally out of my control such as my (near) two-year-old's outrageous screaming and crying fits on a regular basis.

it's become clockwork most evenings after she's had a bath when all i can do is chant 'OMMMMMM' in my head as i sit there staring at her (patiently) waiting and allowing her the time she needs to 'cry it out' before she's ready to oblige mommy with allowing me to put her diaper and PJs on.

my friends with boys say it's more exhausting because they're so rambunctious (not that i'm gonna argue that one) but WOW are toddler girls pure emotional drama at times!

but i suppose all i really need to do in those moments is turn the table around on myself (and) "self-reflect" for a few moments to realize that i (do) have within me the ability to sympathize with her, rather than being frustrated because who am i kidding!? according to the stories, i was even worse at her age. "pay back" i suppose…

yet something magical happens every time i succeed at tuning inward. when i seek more patience, God delivers. when i seek the 'Calm' through the chaos, i suddenly begin to feel it.

the only way to describe it is the feeling of floating through the moments as though it were really an illusion of some sort...

the 'illusion' that says Life must be in a hurry. "ALL WILL FAIL" if you don't "HURRY, HURRY, HURRY" ...get that diaper on 'NOW!' GET your shopping done NOW girl!

we've all been there right? just writing the words make me want to slow down.

and it's only when i choose not to tune myself inward that i'm left struggling with all the outward chaos. in those moments i am left to my own unfortunate, short-tempered strategies to "get the job DONE".

it's the 'uglier' side of me that leaves me desperately wishing for that escape to Bali to discover 'the new and improved me, the real me just like Julia Roberts (real-life character) Elizabeth in the book turned movie....or so that's what i tell myself…

but the reality is, there's no escape. even she learned that lesson through her journey.

i will be with 'me' wherever i go.

the big question is:

"who is the me i want to take with me wherever i go (in) whatever i am doing?"

the 'me' i am striving to be daily, is a me that chooses to be happy and stress-free through everything,  especially the busier time of the year and even the tougher, more frustrating moments of life...

to practice the art of find my ‘happy place'....my 'Zen' ....even in the face of a raging storm and when i'm so physically and mentally exhausted that all i can do is PRAY and ask for the ‘miracle juice’ that keeps me going.

i'd be so lost and empty without my Spirituality. i can honestly say that i wonder how people get through life without it... without any sense of Spiritual purpose for this short life we are living in the grander scheme of things.

knowing and fully believing that the day will come, hopefully not until i’ve lived a looooong life, when i'm in my 'Life Review' on the other side… i'm quite certain that ALL of this will be worth something.

the 'me' i want to be is the me who chooses the higher road in every circumstance of life. the 'me' who can experience the fullness of heavenly Peace and Joy especially amidst the rolling thunder and waves... i want to walk on water!

i want to look back on my life with pride --not only in the love, grace, and patience i extend to my children, but to all those around me whether they "deserve" it or not.

through the midst of this crazy season, i am reminded of The Reason for the season--the birth of Christ and the pattern and example He laid out for all of us in order to experience the Way, the Truth, and the Life in our own lives and the lives of others.

through all the chaos, this Season, for me, has so far  been a time of reflection:

what do i want (more) of? what do i (need to do) to get it? 'who' do i want to be more like?

and it always boils down to one Name...

Jesus.

i want to be more like Jesus and to continue doing my best to teach my  girls to be like Jesus.

today was a nice break from all the hustle and bustle of shopping. we only had doctor appointments, naps, and praying over Operation Christmas Child boxes on the agenda.

through the coughs, colds, and sleepless nights of the last couple weeks, (today) i was reminded of how richly blessed we are in our lives and how much we have to be thankful for.

although i know Hannah didn't quite understand why we were praying for the boxes, she loves to pray nonetheless and it just....melts. my. heart. to see her clasp her fingers and close her eyes real tight waiting to say "Ahhh-men" as she smiles... man, it gets me every time!

as i wrote notes in the journals included for both the boy and girl who would receive the boxes encouraging them to share 'everything' with their journal, i imagined the reactions on their sweet little faces when they opened the box of toys. the thought alone made me smile.

of course i had to throw in a couple of mine and my brother’s own childhood favorites (i.e.) the whoopee cushion and 'snot' glasses, Jesus would approve right? ☺

but best of all is knowing that one day i won't have to 'wonder' what their faces looked like...ONE day when i'm standing on the other side, i will see the look on their faces when they opened those boxes and i will see the effect of all my choices-- good or bad, generous or selfish.

we are all connected through the love of the Living God as we give of ourselves, our time, and resources, not only to those we know and love, but to those we may never see in this lifetime...we are a thread, and like my favorite Chinese proverb says it best --

"the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break"

i was a little behind with it this year, but it's not too late to prepare a box if you haven't already! or make a donation to Samaritan's Purse and know that you are going to be a piece of that thread in bringing smiles and laughter to a child(ren) who need them this Christmas!

may your Season be Merry and oh. SO. BRIGHT during this 'happiest' time of the year!

God Bless

Namaste
With Love....

Naomi 

'unorganized' religion... 'church' on foot & (stroller) wheels ...

in case you're wondering, i'll just come out and say it, "no", this is not about to be a rant against "organized religion" and i'm not about to get into all the reasons i'm starting to feel like i've simply outgrown it.

i will say that in my own 'perfect' little world (and the hubby knows this) if we are going to continue being the church-goers we've been while raising a family, i would love nothing more than to expose them to a variety of different services and various religious denominations each Sunday; more of an "unorganized", eclectic approach to 'learning' and 'church' in the man-made sense of the word.

don't get me wrong, in EVERY sense of the Word, Jesus has made his imprint in this home and won't be going anywhere. it is not a new 'Head' of the household and our hearts that i am in search of.

nonetheless, as the theologian and interfaith scholar, Huston Smith, said it best, i have come to believe the same, that is ---

"God is defined by Jesus, not confined to Jesus". as i have also come to see the beauty in all walks of life and different Faiths and practices, i want the same for my girls.

as one of my favorite Hindu Proverbs states:

"there are hundreds of paths up the mountain all leading to the same place so it doesn't matter which path you take. the only person wasting time is the one running around the mountain telling everyone that his or her path is wrong"

i share my faith in Jesus (God incarnate) and will teach my girls to do the same, but without the 'fear' aspect (i grew up on) that the "salvation" and "eternal" home (either Heaven or Hell) of any one individual they encounter is somehow "in question" should they decline to 'accept' Jesus for one reason or another be it they're of a different Faith or not. i simply don't believe that any of us have been called to play the 'judge' of another child of God.

i only have my own experiences to base it on, but with those experiences and my own expanded view on what Faith in God means, i know without a doubt that my children will learn from me to first and foremost LOVE and RESPECT all walks of life and beliefs. they will be taught to judge by the 'character' of an individual and his/her heart; not their theology or religion, or  their color, or their outward appearance.

so, no matter how much of a long shot the idea of 'perpetual' church-hopping may seem to David (at the present time) i'm thankful that at least we are in agreement over things (like) that Hindu Proverb (while also being Christ-followers).we both agree, as we will teach our girls, that only God can judge a man's heart.

my idea may go something like:

[in rotation] the non-denominational Christian church one Sunday and the Self-Realization Fellowship the next...the Jewish Church one Sunday and the Unitarian church the next. the 'diversified church experience' one might call it.

of course...

he looked at me like i was totally out of my mind. naturally, (i mean) we both grew up in the Christian church and have thus far been going...

what was that premarital lesson we were suppose to remember?!? oh yes, the one where one spouse's 'perfect' idea of raising children is not always going to be the other's. that's right. enter in-- that little word 'compromise'.

we are still learning to cope and bear with each other through the menial, trivial differences of our respective views as they continue to expand and evolve, while we fight to keep the things that 'truly' matter at the forefront of our lives and love for each other.

as i conveyed all my feelings regarding 'membership' to any one particular 'exclusive' affiliation of "organized religion" to my (wonderfully loving) hubby, by the end of our conversation or 'healthy' debate, we were able to come to a 'compromise' and agree on  my suggestion.

that is; two Sundays out of the month we go to the church of his own choosing though never becoming "members" per se and two Sundays out of the month we DO 'church' on foot and (stroller) wheels being active in our community and ministry together 'as' a family, so it will be (as the saying goes) with regard to our girls... "all they ever know"

we can teach our girls and lead by the example Christ has given us over 2,000 years ago as to what "Church" looks like inside and outside the four-man-made-walls of religion.

how might this translate in our own 'Goodale' lives (though not limited to), it may look something like:

• feeding the homeless in our community

• bringing the girls to a nursing home to visit and spend time (build relationships) with the elderly and bringing smiles to their faces as sweet little ones do :)

• having them pack up their old toys and clothes they no longer need or play with and drive them down to 'The Mission' or Goodwill

• taking them to an orphanage on the border of San Diego/Mexico to play with the kids there (to SEE and realize how much they have to be thankful for) and offer up any resources we have to share

....the list could go on forever ....because...it should.

and the beauty of it is that every other Sunday we can wake up and decide 'as a family' who we want to be a blessing to that day.

Hubby: "yeah, definitely when the girls are older"

Me: "Hannah's turning two...she's 'older'" lol

so..... 'what better day' i thought to myself (this past Sunday that is) than "today" to start the tradition!?

David had a soccer game in the morning and i knew he still needed time to mentally 'get on board' with the whole idea. i told him our plan for the day and since he didn't ask us to wait (after he left) i decided we'd venture out jumping up right away.

got dressed and ready; and packed up a bag of our favorite 'Kind' bars (a word i've been teaching Hannah for the last couple weeks) and some sandwiches to bring down to the beach and hand out 'hopefully' before Hannah started fading (i.e.) ready for her nap.

although she had no idea what 'exactly' mommy was doing in the kitchen with all that bread and PB&J on the counter, all it took was the word "beach" to have her up and running to the shoe bag to dig out her sandals...

"beats (*beach) momma, beats "daddy beats?"

"No baby, daddy's playing soccer but we're gonna go to the beach so we can be 'kind' to people who may be hungry today. we're gonna 'share' our food, ok?"

"Otay" "hungie" "mommy beats"

"Yes baby; mommy, Hannah, and baby sister are gonna bring food to the beach and share with people who are hungry"

as the words left my mouth, my heart grew overwhelmed and my eyes were welling up with tears just staring into those deep, dark-chocolaty brown, soulful eyes of hers.

we 'chatted away' about what we were doing and i could see the wheels turning as she attempted to make sense of what i was telling her.

"Ok Hannah?"

"otAaaay mommy"

the ride to the beach was heavenly with the Sun lighting the way, Pandora on, staring back at my beautiful babes in the rear view mirror, and feeling the flood of tears well up in my heart and eyes (yet again) as Jeremy Camp's rendition of 'Overcome' started playing...

all while thanking God for the beautiful day before us and praying that He'd set the people or (person) in our path whom the sandwiches were meant for; that there would be no mistaking who those people were...

in no time we arrived in the village to the little lot behind the fish joint that overlooks the ocean. then making our way across the street (on a crosswalk) a van starts backing up (yes, without even looking) and i could feel my heart fall out of my chest as i struggled to push the stroller faster with one hand and pull Hannah up (after she tripped and fell) with the other AS i'm yelling at the guy "STOP!!!!!"

we made it to safe ground as i got down to my knees (shaking), waved and lipped a silent 'thank you' to the car who had held down their horn at him (in attempt to help save us from getting hit), then turning to Hannah pulled her in closely for a hug of relief. she had the same shock on her face that i had in my heart.

"are you ok baby?"

"i otay momma"

sigh. oh how i love her...

it took everything in me not to curse the man out in front of my children, especially when he didn't even apologize.

it took even more out of me to just breathe it in and let it out, choosing not to let it affect the day before us.

as Hannah reached for my hand, (the way she always does to feel reassured that she's safe), "han momma, han" i couldn't help but smile as the events just a few minutes prior faded away.

we were officially on our 'slow', leisurely Sunday Stroll (a.k.a) our  'Church-on-foot' ...

Hannah held the bag of food in her free hand as all the walkers and  joggers passed by us, smiling at her, though of course all she noticed were their dogs

"Daaaaa!!!" "Daaaaaaa momma"

"Ya baby, aren't they cute!?"

an hour into our walk and not a single homeless individual in site (though i realize this is a stereotype in and of itself)

i had actually known a few of them from a ministry i'd been a part of for six months a while back called "Fill-a-Belly". we would feed the homeless in that area in a borrowed church room on Tuesday nights and hang out playing board games and hearing their stories (those who were willing to open up). it was a wonderful experience.

if there was one thing i learned during that time between all those individuals (families) you would never even know are homeless, to the drug addicts and alcoholics with mental illnesses, the 'face' of homelessness is truly a broad spectrum.

and here i was looking for those familiar faces i'd briefly known back then (before marriage and babies); those faces i still occasionally see on my weekly walks down there...not a single one. "did they all hide out on Sundays?" at this point i still hadn't known what was in store for us.

and naturally, i still wanted to teach Hannah the lesson of "kindness" (e.g. sharing our food and resources) so i politely asked a couple people in passing if we could give them a snack for their walk because we are learning the word "Kind".

they would look confused of course until taking one look at my little sidekick (with her big puppy eyes) holding out a bar in her hand and in no time they were all smiles, saying "thank you" "how sweet of you to share."

by now Hannah had been asking for the 'beats' so we ventured down the hill to the shore so she could play in the sand for a bit, offering a sandwich and 'kind' bar to a little boy and his dad along the way. the kicker; dad 'actually' said (with the look on his face like he was truly concerned)

"i can trust these aren't poisoned or anything!?"

i had to consciously force the look on 'my' face to disguise the thought in my head in that moment; "are you KIDDING me!? i'm with a toddler and infant, do I LOOK like a murderer?"

...and then i had to remind myself that not 'only' are we living in another day and age, but people just must not be used to this type of 'unnatural' social behavior...a mother with her two very young girls walking around the beach offering food to people in passing....and just like that he was "off the hook" for his outlandish comment :)

they thanked us for the bar and sandwich and then waved goodbye as i thought to myself:

"well, that's that i guess...a few minutes down here and maybe we'll head back. Hannah's exhausted" (yes, i am always engaged in self-dialogue)

and here's where i must interject a side note:

if you happened to catch my 11:11 on 11/11 post on Facebook than you already know that this is a synchronicity that happens quite frequently in my life. that is; i always just 'happen' to look at the clock when it's 11:11 no matter how many hours have gone by in between when i last checked the clock. it's that 'little voice' inside...

the period when the door between the two realms (spiritual and physical) are wide opened and my Spirit guides & angels are trying to convey a message to me.

it's gotten to the point where i don't even have to look at the clock sometimes to just 'know' that it's 11:11. last night for example...i was probably about 40 minutes into doing my routine yoga stretches as i was simultaneously praying. the last time i had checked the clock in the night it was 9pm (when i was heading upstairs).

as i'm laying on my bed stretching, eyes closed, praying...out of nowhere 'hear' the 'voice' tell me 11:11 so i began asking my guides what i needed to pray for.

i finished my stretches/prayers a few minutes later and went to reach for my phone... what do ya know? it's 11:15pm (which told me i definitely was 'hearing' the voice earlier at 11:11pm)

anyhow, back to the story...

it should have come as no surprise to look down at my phone sitting in the stroller as i was telling myself we'd head back home in 10 minutes or so...and what time is it? of course...

11:11  :)

i smiled, closed my eyes and prayed...

opened my eyes while simultaneously  "hearing" the voice 'there he is' ....

his name is Antone and at a first glance, i wouldn't have pegged him for one. clean shaven, a hat and sunglasses, nicely dressed, with a guitar on his back, dragging behind him (what i at first -from a distance- took to be a black music amp) turned out to be a suitcase.

"Hi there!" i say, as we get close enough to chat.

"any chance you're hungry for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or maybe a "Kiiiiind" bar (as i turn and smile at Hannah)?"

i then turned back to him explaining that i was teaching her the word "kind" and today was about sharing our food.

"Oh that's so sweet of you, but I don't want to take your food."

"no please do! i mean, only if you really want one... we actually purposely made these sandwiches to bring down here and pass out to some of the homeless community...we're doing "church on wheels" today ...but we haven't come across any"

a big smile surfaced across his face as he said "i'm one of them".

i smiled back "well then, i guess this bag was meant for YOU!"  (turning to Hannah and asking her to hand him the bag as i told her "awww you're so KIND Hannah")

he graciously took it and said 'thank you', you wanted to be a blessing today; this is great, now i don't have to buy food"

we chatted for about 15 minutes until Hannah's patience ran thin, tugging at my leg to take her to the water...

he had a wonderful story to tell and an even more beautiful Spirit to match his story. he talked about how blessed he was everyday...how God continued to provide for all his needs; that he also did his best to be a daily blessing to other people, admitted that being homeless was his choice...there were reasons for the choice...

i searched out an opportunity and God answered with a man named Antone...

Hannah finally succeeded at pulling me away, but just before we parted ways with Antone, i asked him if he would mind me taking a picture of him as i relayed my plans to start a photo book of all the faces we met on our journey so we can remember their names and faces and say our daily prayers for them as we look at the book.

he was happy to!

we enjoyed another 35 minutes with our feet in the sand listening to the ocean waves hit the shore...

H-E-A-V-E-N on earth.

we caught Antone again on our way back up to the parking lot as he was jamming out, being a 'blessing' with his guitar for everyone around him. we danced to his singing and playing for a bit before waving goodbye...

as we drove home and Hannah passed out in the car...my heart was full...

it was such a beautiful day with my two girls, enjoying the sun, the sand, nursing Adelynn as i watched Hannah stare off into the ocean and play with sand;

the people of our community, in such a small, simple, satisfying way had 'made' our Sunday 'church-on-foot & (stroller) wheels' such a wonderful day...

GOD. is. so. GOOD

the never-ending balancing act...

as i type these words, i am clocking my time…30 minutes and…GO!

lap top on my lap. one foot bouncing my six week old in her chair [hoping she falls asleep before the binkie falls out of her mouth one more time]. the smell of  breast milk. scratch that. sour spit up all over my chest with my fingers crossed hoping and praying that my sweet, sleeping toddler doesn’t have another cough- attack in the next half hour while i’m carving out this precious writing time (e.g. .blog therapy). hubby is hands deep carving out the guts of our last minute pumpkins just in time for Halloween...

deep breath in annnnnnd EXHALE. another day (almost) down. is it any  wonder why God made ‘woman’? i mean no offense guys, but how many men out there could do what we do?

i won’t even begin to get into how dumfounded i am that it’s been six weeks already, but as i walked into my OB’s office for my post-baby checkup yesterday in a hurry (because let’s face it, that’s the story of my life as a multitasking wife and mama-to-2 these days), i was trying to recall the name of my midwife… the one who delivered my sweet Adelynn just six weeks ago…the one who was so amazing that i left a long ‘thank you’ card and box of chocolate for. oh and not to forget (but yes i did) the name of my amazing delivery nurse who i not only conversed with for hours on end at the hospital but continued to correspond with in emails shortly after….’what was her name again!?’

JUNE! ‘Oh yes!’ ‘HOW could i possibly forget!?’(good thing i had saved the emails or i may still be lost for that --need I say--adorable name)  AND Renee.. “YES, that’s right.”my OB’s favorite midwife (thanks Doc for the reminder). unfortunately Hannah came five days early and Adelynn’s due date was the same week my OB was out of town, which made two for two deliveries that she couldn’t perform (sad face). nevertheless, they were two names, i thought i could never… would never forget. Yes, they were both that amazing.

i’m sure by this point my ‘momma-to-two’ (or more) friends are reading and thinking “welcome to the club.” new baby...‘new’ brain = mommy ‘mush’…and my brain is just that. total and complete mush. someone please tell me it gets better!

 i mean, it’s not like i ever had a steel trap or anything, but there are days when i seriously question whether or not i should check myself in for early Alzheimer’s. it’s that bad. 

cooking dinner/cleaning dishes with an infant strapped to me as my toddler eats her morning scrambled eggs off the floor... i was prepared for; finding chalk all over my wood floors and little ‘colorful’ finger prints on my cloth chairs and walls… i was prepared for; nursing an infant with one hand while the other is trying to grab the jug of bath water about to be dumped all over the bathroom floor for the 3^rd time …yes, i was prepared for; fighting with a toddler for the hand-pump and trying to explain that milk only comes out of “mommy’s boobies” and it “won’t work on Hannah’s boobies” even that i could say i was anticipating; running errands with a baby who doesn’t want to stop nursing (ever) and an (almost) two year old who can’t sit still or in a cart for more than fifteen minutes without throwing a tantrum,  i was prepared for; ‘prepping’ to unleash the potty training panties…we’ll say i’m almost there.

 luckily, i had a lot of training in the few years leading up to marriage and babies, as the nanny to two adorable, sweet girls, Mia and Lea. BUT, this craaazy amnesia on the other hand, no i was not prepared for it. and the thing is, it’s not just in the memory loss or the chaos of life as a wife and a mother aka  CFO ‘Chief Fort Officer’/ household manager…no, the balancing act doesn’t end when the cleaning and never-ending-laundry is done or when the groceries are put away and dinner is on the table. it’s not over after butts are wiped, bubbles are blown, baths, bed time stories, and butterfly kisses goodnight…

it’s not over when the kitchen is clean and the lights are out. even then (who am i kidding!?), especially then, the act goes on in one beautiful…exhausting…mental dance of thoughts bouncing off one another on the cell walls of my mushy-mom- brain… ‘THE LIST’, ohhhh the list. the never…ending…check-list of ‘things to do tomorrow’, appointments to make, errands to run, loved ones to catch up with…who even has time to sleep at this point?

and of course (within that balancing act) not to forget my identity outside my role of 'CFO' to the Goodale ‘Fort’. as important and soul-satisfying as this role may be, i have to remember ‘me’ and prioritize the ‘time’ for my creative writing, like the trilogy that’s been sitting on the back seat [on pause] at chapter six of book one for months now. and yes, i also need to make time for reading; time for writing a new song and playing my guitar..'time' 'time' 'time'... i can remember the pre-baby days, even as a full time nanny when i got to clock out at the end of the day; i could come home and lock myself in my room, singing and playing my guitar for hours... and somehow, those nights seem like a distant strange memory now. 

...and the more i say “yes” to people during  the little “free” time i have outside of my mommy and wifey duties, the less ‘time’ i seem to find for these things. being the “yes” girl…oh what a conundrum. and whose fault is that? do i raise my fist to heaven and complain to God about giving me too many friends; too many amazing people in my life? …NO way! next to my husband and sweet girls, they are the sweet and saucy food to my soul and i refuse to let my soul go starving for that deliciousness.

… a texting conversation with an awesome momma, fellow musician, and FB friend i met once at the park a while back (we’ve been trying to arrange a reunion ever since) helped me realize just how OK i really am with leaving my own pre-baby “stuff” at the door. as i reflect on my life and attempt to weigh the grander scheme of everything, i find myself wanting to hang on to every moment with my sweet girls as long as possible because i won’t get these moments back.

that’s definitely not to say  that i don’t need time for myself, my  hobbies, my friends and extended family, because i definitely do…but this IS my life now and an AMAZING life it is. my husband and my girls; they are the “stuffing” of my heart and soul. the ones i am most devoted to; they hold my purpose in this life and every moment that i give myself to them with undivided attention i grow more complete and fulfilled... just-a-little-deeper and a little more than in the moment before.

second to ‘memory loss’ and ‘mommy-mushy-brain’ (when it comes to motherhood),  i don’t think i was prepared for the amount of insane love that fills my heart every day as it grows deeper and deeper by the moment…all i know is that these moments are fleeting fast and right now cuddling them and playing silly games, dancing to children’s songs and jumping on the bed; listening to Hannah sing “three blind mice” and start to put words together and form sentences; cheering Adelynn on as she smiles wide and attempts to “talk” to me in her baby babble; seeing the love grow between the two of them and the way Hannah just looooooves “baby” …these are the most beautiful, soul-satisfying moments in this precious gift of ‘time’ here on earth. they are my little slice of heaven and i will cherish every last second of it... 

as one very witty comedian once put it: “quit crying over spilled milk. It’s not about you anyway”... in those moments when i’m feeling ‘extra’ sorry for myself in this never-ending-balancing act; when i find myself reminiscing on “the good old days” ….the days when i had my freedom to write and play my guitar for hours on end in the evening without a mouth to feed and a butt to wipe but my own…the days when i didn’t  have to wear a pound of concealer to hide the bags under my exhausted eyes; the nights here and there when i didn’t want to rip my hair out and scream bloody murder for just ONE solid night of uninterrupted sleep…yes, in those moments, i close my eyes and say a prayer of gratitude to remind myself how blessed I am.

as exhausted as i may be, i will drag myself out of bed at 3am to check on my toddler and comfort her back to sleep.  if the baby is up and hungry at all hours of the night, i will count the blessing of her healthy growing body. and even when everyone is back to their sweet sleep and i find myself wide awake, i will keep praying and thanking God for entrusting me to care for these children of His. my husband; my girls.

there are moments i find myself lost in a daze, fixated on any one of them; when i just can’t contain the well of emotion stirring up in my heart. no sooner are  tears of joy streaming down my cheeks over the blessing they are to me; the joy in this insanely exhausting, perfectly imperfect, chaotic life of mine.

it’s  been six weeks since i gave birth to my second beautiful, healthy, happy daughter and while the ‘balancing act’ has definitely gotten trickier and all the more challenging, i can’t imagine my life without them and i wouldn't have it any other way. i never knew how deeply and fiercely i could love something until they were in my arms...

and now for some "pocket" photos of a day in our world...doctor appointment, groceries, the very occasional lollipop for good behavior (e.g. not trying to get out of the cart while shopping which is a rarity!!) naps, and dress up. my two "mini Minnies" are all ready for the big night!